last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
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