I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Randomize
