If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
I cut my penus on the lid.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Randomize
