Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Randomize
