Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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