i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
Ryan Ross and Jon Walker left panic at the disco today.
I predict a mass suicide of the 14 year old girl population...
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
Randomize
