So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
Randomize
