If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
