no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
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