i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
I didn't know that people actually queef. Is this a real thing?
I believe so, yes.
Would you be offended if I asked if it has happened to you?
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
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