I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Randomize
