This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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