So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Randomize
