She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Randomize
