How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
