I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
Randomize
