I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
hey u leave my anime porn out of this
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Randomize
