But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
I just found a bag of teeth...
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
