Could you imagine if a Skynet machine combination of Bob Ross and Chuck Norris were built? It would rule the universe with a soft spoken fan brush of kung fu dominance
It would be truly incredible. I hope we are blessed with this being in our lifetime.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
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just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
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I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
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