What did we do last night that was yellow?
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
Randomize
