Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
your like the ambassador to my penis.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
He has the fingertips of a God
Randomize
