and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
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Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
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I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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