i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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