so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
I look excited, but its just a facade.
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