this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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