the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
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