I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
