My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
Randomize
