Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
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