I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
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