Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
As shirtless as possible
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
Randomize
