do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
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