the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
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