I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
