Your face is a jimmy john
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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