Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
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