i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
