I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
Randomize
