I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
Randomize
