so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..
this can't be going anywhere good
nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
