I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Randomize
