And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
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