just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Randomize
