Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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