hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
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