It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
Randomize
