i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
Randomize
