When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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