The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Randomize
