I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
It was a blind-side dick pic.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
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