i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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