My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
Randomize
