I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
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