I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
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