i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
I have tasted many bathrooms
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
