He uses pillows to masturbate.
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Randomize
