I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
Randomize
