Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Randomize
